Metal Mettle

When I was a kid, I used to eat the heads off of burnt matches. This began to alarm my mother, so she took me to the doctor. He pronounced me perfectly healthy—except for some missing carbon in my diet that my body was instinctively trying to replace with the burnt match heads.

In other words, I know that everyone has a quirk or two, many that are unhealthy and some that are downright dangerous.

I also realize that people have nervous tics, or they develop nervous tics under duress.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

What I’m trying to say is: everyone has a vice. And every person who tries to rid their life of this vice goes about it in a different way. Maybe they meet in church basements with others who are fighting the same battles. Perhaps they take up a new habit, find a new obsession: knitting tea cosies, or baking pies, or playing the bongos.

These are all acceptable strategies for fighting the urge to step back onto an unhealthy path to self-destruction.

Sometimes, though, people run from their demons in a very stupid way.

Are you getting it, now?

If there’s anyone out there who might’ve thought that I’m talking about the hazard-laden folly of swallowing more than two pounds’ worth of screws and nails while trying to recover from alcoholism, you’re right. I am talking exactly about that sort of thing.

“Geez! What brought all this on?” you might be wondering.

What else but the newspaper? And it’s the only newspaper I trust, so I knew when I saw this headline that it wasn’t a joke or clickbait.

Doctors in Lithuania find kilo of nails and screws in man’s stomach

Yep. That’s exactly what the headline says. Click the link and read the story for yourself!


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